OFFICIAL STATEMENT OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE PANIMIAN FEDERATION OF THOSE PARTS OF THE WATERS OUTSIDE THE MAVİ VATAN

 

It is with profound sorrow, considerable bewilderment and an urgent request for clarification from the United States State Department that the Panimian Federation of Those Parts of the Waters Outside the Mavi Vatan has received reports of the removal of Her Excellency Kimberly Guilfoyle from her position as United States Ambassador to Greece.

Our Federation, which represents the historic, cultural and hydrographic interests of Hellenism in those portions of the Aegean that have yet to be incorporated into the Turkish Blue Homeland, considers this development a grievous blow to Greek American relations and, more importantly, to the social calendars of several hundred distinguished compatriots.

Since her arrival, Her Excellency has demonstrated an extraordinary capacity to unite the Greek nation. Shipowners, politicians, television personalities, aspiring influencers, Mr Argyros, hereditary presidents of cultural associations and individuals whose precise occupations remain a matter of considerable mystery have all found common purpose in their determination to stand within three metres of her at official functions. In a country historically divided by civil wars, ideological antagonisms and disagreements over the ownership of a plot of land overlooking a dead-end, such unanimity represents a diplomatic achievement of the highest order.

Such has been the enthusiasm of Her Excellency's Greek admirers that comparisons with the great women of antiquity have become almost inevitable. Among her more devoted admirers, she has been likened to Helen of Troy for her beauty, Aspasia for her influence upon powerful men, and Athena for her presumed wisdom in matters of state. Our Federation understands that certain particularly enthusiastic compatriots consider her to combine the attributes of all three, although the precise implications for Greek mythology and American foreign policy remain under investigation. One member of our Executive Committee has suggested that she surpasses Aphrodite herself, a proposition we have referred to our Ecclesiastical Affairs Subcommittee owing to its potentially pagan implications, given that she has been slated to be awarded the inaugural medal of the Order of St Byzas the Melon-keeper by our leading parochial hierophant.

Certain compatriots have gone further, insisting that Her Excellency possesses an essentially Hellenic temperament, citing her appreciation of Mediterranean hospitality and an indefinable quality which, upon closer examination, appears to consist principally of being photographed in Greece. Representatives of several regional associations have already advanced competing claims to her spiritual ancestry, while our Federation has commissioned a genealogical investigation into the possibility that she descends from an Ionian princess. Should this hypothesis be substantiated, we intend to invoke it in support of our maritime claims, since the discovery of a distinguished American relative is generally regarded as stronger evidence of Greek sovereignty than several centuries of continuous habitation.

Our Federation also applauds the generosity of the distinguished Greek American businessman who conveyed Her Excellency to Athens aboard his private aircraft. This noble gesture recalls the ancient Athenian institution of the leitourgia, under which wealthy citizens financed enterprises of public importance. The principal difference is that in antiquity the benefactor was expected to demonstrate his devotion to the city, whereas nowadays the city is expected to demonstrate its devotion to the benefactor. We regard this reversal as a significant advance in democratic efficiency, and have referred the matter to our Committee for the Restoration of Classical Institutions, which has already requested quotations for a presidential aircraft.

The spectacle has been especially moving among those distinguished defenders of Hellenic sovereignty who, having spent decades denouncing foreign interference in Greek affairs, have discovered that American influence becomes considerably more agreeable when exercised by an attractive woman. Our Federation regards this as an important development in the evolution of Greek political thought, provisionally designated the Guilfoyle Doctrine, according to which national independence remains inviolable except where an invitation to an ambassadorial reception is forthcoming.

We have accordingly followed with astonishment the controversy surrounding reports of Her Excellency's alleged remarks concerning Washington's ability to change Greek governments. Our Federation deplores this sudden outbreak of constitutional fastidiousness. Ever since the establishment of the modern Greek state, the Great Powers have taken a paternal interest in the composition of its governments, and it would be churlish to reject two centuries of international cooperation merely because the arrangements have occasionally dispensed with the electorate. We respectfully suggest that the matter be referred to the Council of State, subject, naturally, to Washington's approval of its composition.

Equally gratifying has been the long-awaited recognition of Greece's contribution to Western civilisation. For generations, our scholars have struggled to impress upon the Americans their intellectual indebtedness to ancient Athens. Her Excellency's expressions of appreciation for Greek hospitality have finally settled the matter. A favourable remark concerning a plate of grilled octopus has been interpreted by several commentators as an acknowledgement of Aristotle's influence upon the American Constitution, while her attendance at a social function has been hailed as the restoration of Greece to its rightful place at the centre of world affairs.

We particularly commend Her Excellency's contribution to the resolution of the Aegean question. Although the precise details of her position on maritime delimitation remain unknown to our Executive Committee, her appearances at official receptions have generated considerably more public excitement than forty years of conferences on the United Nations Convention on the Law of the Sea. Indeed, several of our members have expressed the view that had she been present at the Fall of Constantinople, the defenders would have abandoned the walls in order to secure invitations to her farewell reception.

The Federation recalls with particular emotion the countless photographs in which prominent Greeks have stood beside Her Excellency, smiling with the serene satisfaction of men who believe that proximity to American power constitutes a personal diplomatic achievement. Several such photographs have already been framed and installed in association clubrooms, immediately beneath portraits of Kolokotronis and, where space permits, the Ecumenical Patriarch. One association president is understood to have requested that his photograph be enlarged to life size, explaining that future generations should be able to appreciate the full extent of his contribution to bilateral relations.

We have also followed with considerable concern the recent reports concerning Her Excellency's American Express account. Although our Federation operates upon the sacred principle that money should flow exclusively from government agencies into our coffers, never in the opposite direction, we are prepared to make an exception of historic proportions. We have already identified several patriotic Greek businessmen who would be delighted to settle any outstanding balance, provided that the expenditure can be recovered through the award of a modest government contract, a casino licence or the rezoning of a small portion of the Attic coastline. Our Treasurer has further advised that, should American Express prove unwilling to accept payment in the form of commemorative plaques, honorary memberships or promises of future political influence, we may be compelled to establish a charitable foundation, apply for a substantial government grant and retain ninety per cent of the proceeds for administration. A wreath-laying ceremony will also be held outside the nearest American Express office, in solemn remembrance of those who have sacrificed so much in the service of Greek-American friendship, with the wreath itself to be purchased using public funds. Our Treasurer has reminded us that the ancient Greeks understood the distinction between public and private expenditure, a distinction which their modern descendants have devoted considerable ingenuity to overcoming.

At an emergency meeting of our Executive Committee, held at a waterfront restaurant whose precise location we are unable to disclose pending clarification of the continental shelf, it was unanimously resolved that Her Excellency be proclaimed an Honorary Panimian, Protector of the Unallocated Waters and Eternal Muse of the Exclusive Economic Zone. A proposal to confer upon her the title of Mother of the Nation was deferred after several members observed that this might create constitutional difficulties with the existing Mother of the Nation, whose identity varies according to the political affiliation of the speaker.

We further call upon the Greek Government to consider naming an uninhabited islet in her honour, preferably one sufficiently distant from the Turkish coast to avoid provoking an international incident, yet sufficiently accessible by luxury yacht to accommodate an appropriate inauguration ceremony. Our Federation would be delighted to organise the proceedings, provided that the guest list is approved in advance and that its President is seated at the principal table.

Our Federation remains confident that the bonds between Greece and the United States will endure. Nevertheless, we respectfully remind Washington that the appointment of an ambassador to Athens carries responsibilities extending considerably beyond the ordinary conduct of diplomacy. The Greek political and social establishment has invested substantial resources in evening wear, cosmetic dentistry and cultivating the appearance of intimate friendship with Her Excellency. These investments deserve protection. Any future ambassadorial appointment should therefore take into consideration the emotional requirements of Greek society, particularly those of middle-aged association presidents who have already purchased new dinner jackets.

In closing, we assure Her Excellency of the undying affection of our members, particularly those who have met her, those who claim to have met her and those who possess photographs suggesting that they might conceivably have occupied the same building. We also respectfully request that Her Excellency consider attending our forthcoming annual dinner, at which she will be presented with a commemorative plaque depicting the Aegean Sea as it existed before the invention of Turkish cartography. The President wishes to emphasise that his repeated requests for an invitation to the American Embassy were motivated exclusively by considerations of national interest, and that the unfortunate incident in which he attempted to enter a private reception through the catering entrance has been grossly misrepresented.

ΖΗΤΩ Η ΕΛΛΑΣ. ΖΗΤΩ Η ΚΙΜΠΕΡΛΥ. ΖΗΤΩ ΤΑ ΥΔΑΤΑ ΠΟΥ ΜΑΣ ΑΠΕΜΕΙΝΑΝ.

DEAN KALIMNIOU

kalymnios@hotmail.com

First published in NKEE on Saturday 24 October 2026