ΚΑΖΑΜΙΑΣ
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Every year, just before or just after the advent of the New Year, we would head to Salapatas Μusic and Βookstore to secure for my grandmother, a copy of the latest Kazamias, an almanac containing lists of the phases of the moon (important for planting), astrology, dream interpretations (if you see your mother in law it means trouble is on the way), the feasts of the Orthodox Church, jokes, poems, recipes and prognostications for the new year.
The edition my grandmother preferred was the Megas Kazamias, which featured a long bearded wizard in a conical hat peering through a telescope at a sputnik. Below, were representations of traditional Greek rural activities. A caption would reveal the year: «Ο Δορυφόρος 1997», doryforos meaning satellite, but also literally, the spear carrier, which considering the amount of aggression that has perennially plagued the world, is as apt a euphemism for the Earth’s revolution around the Sun as any other.
My grandmother couldn’t tell us who cadaverous wizard was. Later I discovered it was Pietro Casamia, a fictional Venetian astronomer who could predict the future. His supposed prophecies were published annually and this tradition was adopted in Greece in the nineteenth century, when the publication of prognostications for the New Year became popular. The the prophecies was that they were so broad in nature that they invariably came true: a flood in China, an earthquake in the Balkans and most disturbingly, a surprising amount of deformed children being born in India, described as “monsters.” My grandmother amassed all the Kazamies from 1967 to 1997. Perusing them, it is remarkable how readers did not identify just how often the same prophecies would be recycled every second year or so. Perhaps they just didn’t care.
Although Kazamies are still being sold in various Greek establishments in Melbourne, what we have never enjoyed is a community Kazamias, whereby a corpus of prognostications exists for each month that can assist the active member to navigate their involvement accordingly. Theprophecies below are therefore offered in lieu of such a valuable tome, which would feature my own resplendency in conical cap trying to decipher the Diatribe through a telescope, and are dedicated to the immortal poet/satirist Yiorgos Souris, who predicted climate change in his “Kazamias of the Romios” in 1889: “Finally, becoming enthused while gazing at the stars, Fasoulis, in great majesty predicts the destruction of the human sphere, by the freezing of the Sun.”
JANUARY
A wreath laying ceremony is held to commemorate the Battle of Taramosalata.
Evzones of the Presidential Guard are contracted out as security guards for the Australian Open but are requested to substitute their fustanellas for lycra shorts in the interests of gender equality. They decline and storm off to guard Eaton Mall.
Manasis’ Presidential Froura is hired instead, but is physically removed after attempting to dance an inauthentic Zorba at the conclusion of every match point.
Hellas Fan Club members sit quietly and politely congratulate some unknown and irrelevant player from who knows where after she defeats Maria Sakkari before she makes it into the finals.
Bill Papastergiadis goes on ERT television in Greece to explain just how tennis mad Melbourne Greeks are. He insists on wearing eighties’ tennis shorts.
Minister for Sport Steve Dimopolous objects to the media’s use of the word “Sakkattack,” to describe Maria Sakkari’s technique, the term having already been copyrighted by primary school boys decades previously.
Archbishop Makarios announces the foundation of an Archdiocesan Tennis Academy.
Professor Anastasios Tamis launches: “Children of Hades: A History of Greek Undertakers in Australia.”
FEBRUARY
A wreath laying ceremony is held to commemorate the battle of Tyrokafteri.
The Evzones are brought to Melbourne for the Antipodes Festival. They leave in a huff after realising that they are nowhere near as manly and are totally outbutched by the Oplitikon of Melbourne. Rumours abound that they have now joined the GOCMV opposition, raising its membership to five.
Antipodes Festival Director Jorge Menidis finally succumbs to entreaties by Dean Kalimniou to bring a quality and relatable act to the main stage and brings forth Lefteris Pandazis. Con Laz swoons and faints.
The secret to the ubiquity of Pontian and Cretan dance groups at the Antipodes Festival is revealed after Festival security discovers a cloning machine behind the main stage.
Professor Anastasios Tamis launches: “Children of Poseidon: A History of Greek Taramosalata Manufacturers in Australia.”
Dan Andrews has a stroke at the launch of Children of Poseidon. Is succeeded to the Premiership by Kat Theophanous.
MARCH
A wreath laying ceremony is held to commemorate the battle of Skordalia.
The trustees of the Shrine of Remembrance are disturbed by the thousands of foustanella clad Greeks walking up to the Shrine on 25th March. They claim they are only visiting the State’s monument, and confirm they are not there for any official parade, all the while brandishing rather large water bottles. The trustees retire indoors for urgent deliberations.
The Evzones are hired by the Shrine trustees to keep foustanella clad Greeks away from their office while they meet to pass a by-law prohibiting the wearing of the foustanella on Shrine grounds.
The Shrine trustees prohibit anyone with a Greek surname and anyone whose surname ends with s for good measure, from entering Shrine grounds. Seven Latvians protest.
Professor Anastasios Tamis launches: “Children of Hermes: A History of Greek Travel Agents in Australia.”
Kat Theophanous passes legislation making the Shrine Trustees illegal.
APRIL
A wreath laying ceremony is held to commemorate the battle of Melitzanosalata.
The recently installed Parthenon frieze is mysteriously removed from the Greek Centre.
Bill Papastergiadis also disappears. A journalist observes that since we have a Cretan Prime Minister, a Cretan Consul General and a Cretan Primate, the president of the GOCMV should also be Cretan and points to an international Cretan conspiracy to abduct Bill Papastergiadis.
On behalf of all affronted Cretans everywhere, Archbishop Makarios sues the offending journalist and hires the Evzones to locate the missing Bill, stating that since his surname is clerical, beginning with Papa-, this is within his purview.
Professor Anastasios Tamis launches: “Children of Estia: A History of Greek Aged Care Facilities in Australia.”
Eva Kaili is released from jail and moves to Bahrain.
MAY
Seven wreath laying ceremonies are held around Melbourne to commemorate the Pontian Genocide because none of the Pontian organisations are speaking to each other.
The British Museum announces that the ‘Elgin’ Marbles have gone missing. Papa Lefteris, formerly from Red Hill, sends his sympathies, and offers recovery advice, in light of how often the icon of Panayia has gone missing from Panayia Kamariani.
The Panimian Brotherhood undertakes to cover the current and future hairdressing costs of Dr Antonis Piperoglou and donates all of its assets to this cause. The President of the Panimian Brotherhood is photographed with Melbourne University’s Vice Chancellor and Eva Kaili.
Professor Anastasios Tamis launches: “Children of Pan: A History of Greek cookware in Australia.”
A number of pro Eva Kaili commercials appear on Greek prime time television with Arabic subtitles.
JUNE-AUGUST
Nothing happens because everyone is holidaying in Greece.
SEPTEMBER
A wreath laying ceremony is held to commemorate the Battle of Merenta.
The Parthenon Frieze mysteriously reappears at the Greek Centre more life-like and complete than before.
Bill Papastergiadis returns to Melbourne, is apprehended at the Airport. Is released after half an hour when it is determined that he is not Billy Cotsis.
Alexis Tsipras seeks political asylum in Australia. Is turned down by the Minister for Immigration on the basis that he already lives in a political asylum.
Having cancelled the dates of their concerts five times, Natasha Theodoridou and Paola cancel for a sixth time. Archbishop Makarios hires the Evzones to escort them to Australia by force and they perform to critical acclaim at the recently rescued Fairfield Amphitheatre.
OCTOBER
A wreath laying ceremony is held to commemorate the Battle of Tzatzikion.
It is revealed that Bill Papastergiadis was in London, in the previous months, ostensibly to provide fashion tips to Boris Johnson, and masterminded the removal of the Parthenon Marbles from the British Museum, housing them at the Greek Centre. The Australian authorities refuse to lay charges.
Bill Papastergiadis is hailed by the populace as a god. Sundry Greek brotherhoods scramble to donate funds for the erection of a statue in his honour at Lakeside Oval. They fall out over whether he should be portrayed clad in chlamys and chiton or in foustanella.
Archbishop Makarios cites the Pope’s return of fragments of the Parthenon Marbles to the Church of Greece as proof that the Marbles belong to the Church. He hires the Evzones to remove them.
Eva Kaili returns triumphantly from Bahrain and purchases Olympiakos FC and Sakis Rouvas. She is unanimously voted in as President of the Greek Republic.
NOVEMBER
A wreath laying ceremony is held to commemorate the Battle of the Annual General Meeting of the Panimian Brotherhood.
On the way to Greece, to return the Parthenon Marbles, Archbishop Makarios is stopped by archpagan Savvas Grigoropoulos. A brief battle of words ensues which Ilias Diacolambrianos records for broadcast on the 3ZZZ Greek radio programs. It is heard by all of three people.
Savvas Grigoropoulos wrests control of the Marbles and returns them to Greece. He demands they be reattached to the Parthenon and that he be named High Priest of Athena. He sets up his Weber barbeque on the Acropolis in readiness for a re-consecration sacrifice.
Maria Sakkari flees Greece and seeks diplomatic asylum in Britain.
Kat Theophanous passes legislation outlawing crass ethnic comedy.
DECEMBER
A wreath laying ceremony is held to commemorate the Battle of Avgotaraho.
Greek Prime Minister Kyriakos Mitsotakis offers Britain the Parthenon Marbles in exchange for Maria Sakkari.
Bill Papastergiadis travels to Greece on the crest of a wave of apodemic fury. He dethrones Mitsotakis and makes history being the first Prime Minister of Greece to be sworn in swearing a South Melbourne tracksuit.
Savvas Grigoropoulos suffers a crisis of conscience and becomes a monk on Mount Athos.
Former GOCMV president Tammy Iliou returns to Australia from Athens and argues convincingly that the next GOCMV president should be a woman. The members unanimously agree and applaud her vociferously, then vote for Nick Koukouvitakis, proving that the Cretans were in on it all along.
Archbishop Makarios brings JLO to Australia for the Archdiocesan Christmas Carols and to head the Academy of Byzantine Chant. Promises Shakira for the year after.
Joe Biden admits he gets all his news from Neos Kosmos.
Elly Symons lodges an official complaint as the Marbles have not been mentioned even once in connection with her name in this Kazamias. Dean Kalimniou is duly exiled to Craigieburn.
ΚΑΛΗ ΧΡΟΝΙΑ
posted by PANEPIROTIC FEDERATION OF AUSTRALIA at Saturday, January 07, 2023
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