KING OF KINGS
Early last Saturday morning, I was startled from my slumber a message from my friend Menios from Mentone which read as follows: “Ela re. Check out this sick quote by the King of Kings.” Accompanying the text, was a meme displaying a Roman statue of the god Mars, and bearing a quote attributed to Alexander the Great, who had as much to do with Rome as Menios had with Mentone prior to his leaving Reservoir upon being married, to live in his pethero’s house.
From time to time, I come across similar memes purporting that Alexander the Great proclaimed: «Εὐχαριστῶ τοῖς θεοῖς ὅτι ἐγεννήθην Ἕλλην» which means “I thank the gods for being Greek.” Some instead purport that he spake: «Εὐγνωμονῶ τοῖς θεοῖς ὅτι ἐγεννήθην Ἕλλην». Where a source is cited, which is rarely, it is usually attributed to Arrian's Anabasis of Alexander.
“What a god re,” Menios re-messaged effusively, having not registered a response from me. “And we are all gods too. All the Greeks are legends!”
The reason for my silence was that I was engrossed in a re-reading of the Anabasis in the original, scouring the text for the purported quote. Sadly, for all those proud admirers of the King of Macedon, the quote does not exist, something that should be apparent from the outset, since the Greek used in the quote is anachronistic: εὐγνωμονῶ in Arrian's time meant to think good thoughts, not to be grateful. Similarly, the terms εὐχαριστῶ and ἐγεννήθην do not belong to the Greek of Arrian's time in that context and they can be found nowhere in his books. It was time to enlighten Menios of my discovery, via telephone, as I had sprained my thumb the night before whilst engaging in a simultaneous facebook argument about how Catholicism would have been different had Thomas Aquinas been able to read Aristotle in the original Greek, while also arguing elsewhere that Charlie Yankos was the most talented soccer player to have ever graced the hallowed field of Alexander the Great Soccer Club, which schismatics refer to as Heidelberg United and out and out heretics as “the Burgers,” and consequently found myself unable to text.
The reaction was utter disbelief, conveyed in an idiomatic expression that signifies a conglomeration of bovine faeces. Nonetheless, I persisted, informing Menios that the first time his prized quote makes an appearance is in an article by Greek teacher Ioannis Kholevas, who cites as his source, a book by the same Ioannis Kholevas, entitled «Αλέξανδρος ο Μέγιστος, ο Ένας».
Thus, it appears, that the quote is in fact, a hoax. I ventured the opinion that there is plenty of evidence to support the fact that the Macedonians belonged to the Greek world without resorting to the construction of spurious quotes. Menios, however, was incensed. “Seriously, you have to rip everything apart and ruin it.”
“Was it not Stalin who said: “I trust no one, not even myself?” I asked.
“Did he? When?” Menios inquired.
“I don’t know. There is a meme floating around the social media,” I responded.
“Why do you always have to take the piss out of everything re?” Menios sighed plaintively. “Nothing is sacred to you. Would it have killed you to just leave it alone? All the boys in the parea are texting nasty things about you now.”
“Are they employing proper grammar and spelling?” I asked.
“Come on re. These guys are very passionate about their history and the superiority of their Greek genes. You don’t want to upset them.”
I am reminded of a Byzantine satirical song about the widow of Nicephoros II Phocas, Theophano, which describes a parade where she rides a mule, accompanied by “shrivelled horn-players with hand-sized anuses,” (κουκουροβουκινάτορες φουκτοκωλοτρυπᾶτοι). I felt the sudden overwhelming need to share this.
“Seriously. You really have to stop trying to be a comedian. There are certain things that you just need to let lie, whether true or not true. You can’t just try to parody everything.”
The definition of parody in the Byzantine compendium of knowledge: “the Suda” is as follows: «τοῦτο παρωδία καλεῖται ὅταν ἐκ τραγωδίας μετενέχθῇ εἰς κωμωδίαν». (“It is called parody when there is a transformation from the tragic into the comic”). I revealed to Menios that if it was not for the fact that I was born with a rare genetic affliction that rendered me unable to appreciate humour, I should like posthumously to be described in the same manner that Eunapius of Sardis described the ancient satirist Lucian of Samosata: «σπουδαῖος εἰς τὸ γελασθῆναι», that is, “serious about causing laughter.”
Menios shrugs this revelation off and posits that Greeks lost the ability to appreciate comedy after the Roman conquest, whereupon barbarian DNA corrupted the pure Hellenic DNA, leading to a cognitive decline. He also mentions that his friend Babis, who was a fervent supporter of Ελλήνων Συνέλευσις (Assembly of Greeks) prior to the pandemic, propounds an alternate theory, whereby the ancient Greeks were a sombre and serious lot, with their conversion to Christianity leading to a debasement of their DNA, causing a concurrent lapse into frivolity, from which they are doomed never to recover, especially in this age of mass migration.
Babis’ theory provides ample food for thought. After all, while you can’t get a more religious lot that the Byzantines, you also can’t get a group of people more inclined to poke fun at one another. Take for example, court official and chronicler Michael Psellos telling his rather serious Byzantine friends to lighten up:
«ἵνα σεμνὸς φαίνῃ καὶ περιττός, ἀναιρεῖς μὲν λόγου χάριτας, ἀναιρεῖς δὲ φιλίας θάρσος, μισεῖς δὲ γλώττης χαριεντισμούς, καὶ ἀθετεῖς παιδίαν, ἣ μόνη τῶι βίῳ καταμεμιγμένη ἱλαρὰν ἡμῶν ποιεῖ τὴν ζωήν».
“In order to appear solemn and pompous, you reject the charms of words, you reject the audacity that belongs to friendship, you detest jocular speech and you dispense with play, the only thing that can make our life more cheerful when we mix it into our lifestyle.”
Similarly, in 1030, Byzantine writer Michael the Grammarian not only made fun of the bishop of Philomelion for confusing ι for υ but also wrote that he owed his position to his services in procuring girlfriends for his superior, the metropolitan of Amorion. Even more wryly amusing are contemporary attitudes towards the 963 death of Byzantine ninja monk Marianos Argyros who was killed when a platter was smashed on top of his head.
The hapless monk attempted to oppose the takeover of the imperial throne by the general Nikephoros Phokas by assuming control over Constantinople and arresting his father, Bardas Phokas the Elder. During the ensuing clashes, he was hit on the head by the offending platter, and perished.
It is in his honour that the Byzantine emperors instituted the custom of breaking plates while in a rowdy mood, a custom which we, their degenerate descendants perpetuate in tourist traps around the Greek islands and weddings at reception centres in certain suburbs of Melbourne, to this day. I posit therefore that Babis is right and give thanks to all the saints and the true King of Kings not only for having been born a Greek but also for the conversion of my tribe and the dilution of its DNA, as the alternative would have resulted in a life as arid and devoid of levity as the President’s report at the Annual General Meeting of the Panimian Federation of Outer Donnybrook.
“Yeah right re,” Menios snorted, seeking to end the conversation as he was desirous of binge streaming episodes of Married At First Sight. “I suppose you expect us to thank you for trying to change our perspective.”
“Have you ever considered that the ancient Greek philosopher Socrates never said the words “Thank you,” in his entire life?” I mused. “That is because he did not speak English.”
A barely audible click and the connection was lost, irretrievably and forever.
DEAN KALIMNIOU
posted by PANEPIROTIC FEDERATION OF AUSTRALIA at Saturday, December 17, 2022
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