Whereas in years past I relied on gossip, innuendo, smut and leftover cracked lamb bones from the Paschal Feast to acquire such oracular powers as might pierce the veil of the future, this year I adopted a different approach. I was gifted by a State Member of Parliament an Aboriginal oracle, a modern divination deck purportedly inspired by ancient Aboriginal spirituality, Dreamtime stories, ancestors, bush medicine and animal totems, promising guidance, self-exploration and healing through connection to Country and ancestral wisdom. According to the explanatory caption on the back, the deck offers clarity and affirmation for life’s challenges. Unfortunately, the deck was compulsorily acquired by my son on unjust terms to construct a maquette of the now-defunct East–West Link. I therefore resorted to the singular powers of Theia Thekla of Brunswick, who, after brewing me a cup of her top-shelf, only-for-guests Oasis Griffiths Greek Coffee, swirled the dregs, overturned the cup and revealed to me the Master Plan.
JANUARY
- Inspired by the historic success of George Calombaris’ Hellenic Republic, several intrepid Greek restaurateurs resolve to open an eatery titled Consulate-General of the Hellenic Republic. Its doors are usually closed, the phone unanswered and the menu indecipherable. Reservations are required three months in advance, only for one to be informed by a scowling waiter that whatever you ordered is unavailable. Despite negligible foot traffic and zero social-media presence, the restaurant becomes wildly profitable through the proprietors’ successful acquisition of free dinners from patrons.
- The Greek Orthodox Community of Melbourne and Victoria foils a terrorist plot when the remnants of the online Left-Deviationist Opposition attempt to infiltrate the Greek Centre to discuss the implications of Comrade Trotsky’s January 1925 speech to the Plenum of the Central Committee of the Russian Communist Party. They reach as far as Sulbing Café before being apprehended while infusing dangerous doctrine into bubble tea.
- Heidelberg United Soccer Club is summoned before Football Australasia and formally censured for breathing.
- Someone who cannot be criticised does something worth critiquing. As critique is deemed criticism, the relevant social-media post is deleted. The author is nevertheless apprehended by the Eye of Sauron for failing to critique the critiquers.
- The renegade artist formerly known as Papa-Redhill challenges his schismatic Kievan overlord to ritual combat using wet touloumbes on the Rye foreshore. Within seconds, Papa-Redhills’ touloumba collapses that of the Kievan Vladika, proving the superiority of the Hellenic Sisterhood over the Kievan Rus. His followers proclaim a miracle and erect the victorious touloumba as both sundial and object of veneration.
- A panygyri takes place in Melbourne. Souvlakia and loukoumades are sold and Anagenisi Band pumps out the latest and not-so-latest tracks.
FEBRUARY
- World Greek Language Day is commemorated by people who no longer speak Greek at five separate ceremonies across the city, as none of the organisers are on speaking terms. Community photographer Kostas Deves attends all five, then takes the rest of the year off.
- A community leader excluded from the stage at all five ceremonies organises his own World Greek Language Day event, where he is the sole VIP permitted on stage. The stage resigns in protest.
- Greek Members of Parliament travel east to Melbourne to enjoy a taxpayer-funded holiday during Greek National Day festivities, including official visits to Vanilla, Nikos Cakes and Melissa Thornbury. Following a star, they instead arrive at the flagpole of Sveta Petka Church in Epping and gaze upon a stolen star-symbol. The President of Pan-Mac declines to rescue them. An official protest is lodged with no one in particular.
- Pauline Hanson is revealed to be of Greek origin, a descendant of Paulos Hansonidis, introducer of fish and chips to Ipswich. She collapses under the weight of her internal contradictions. Bob Katter dies laughing.
- A panygyri takes place in Melbourne. Souvlakia and loukoumades are sold and Anagenisi Band pumps out the latest and not-so-latest tracks.
MARCH
- Sakis Zafiropoulos relaunches his “Speak Greek in March” campaign. The Victorian Committee for the Greek National Day March sues for trademark infringement after it emerges that the word “March” was trademarked by a former president. In obiter dicta, the presiding judge observes that it is remarkable no one has yet trademarked the word “Greek.”
- The Hellenic Lawyers Conglomerate of Australasia and the Pacific Islands (excluding those claimed by China) promptly trademarks the word “Hellenic.” The Consulate-General rebrands as the Consulate-General of the Romaic Republic before agreeing to pay an annual licence fee of one stamped document.
- The Greek Patriotic Club holds its AGM to determine which of the seventeen constitutions unilaterally adopted by its former president is valid. The matter is resolved via the customary procedure of pin-the-innuendo-on-the-donkey.
- A panygyri takes place in Melbourne. Souvlakia and loukoumades are sold and Anagenisi Band pumps out the latest and not-so-latest tracks.
APRIL
- A public school threatens to discontinue its Modern Greek program. Pharos mobilises the three interested parents and successfully saves it until next month. Numerous articles and photographs appear in the paper.
- A Greek-Australian “youth initiative” is launched with great fanfare. Eligibility is limited to persons over thirty-five with twenty years’ committee experience.
- A major community organisation launches a bold new vision statement promising renewal, transparency and youth engagement. The executive committee remains unchanged since 1994.
- The General Secratariat of Greeks Abroad in Athens announces funding for diaspora initiatives. The application deadline is retroactively set for the previous month.
- Anthony Albanese fondly recalls the first time he ate a souvlaki at a Greek panygyri.
The abovementioned was a panygyri where souvlakia and loukoumades were sold and Anagenisi Band pumped out the latest and not-so-latest tracks.
- The Victorian Government introduces a Greek Panygyri Levy to address budget shortfalls. On legal advice, all events are rebranded as Hellenic, thereby avoiding the levy but not the licence fee charged by the Hellenic Lawyers Conglomerate.
MAY
- The missing statue of Venizelos is located outside Santa’s Christmas Kingdom in Darebin, painted red and wearing a Santa hat. The proprietors apologise, citing mistaken identity, but refuse to return it as it now forms part of an installation featuring a sleigh and nine moustachioed reindeer named Manousos.
- Geoffrey Robertson and Amal Clooney are briefed to commence proceedings in the International Court of Justice. The real Battle of Crete begins.
- Someone extremely important is removed from the guest list of an exclusive community soirée. As the event is closed-circle, no one notices. The uninvited party edits himself into the official photo using ChatGPT.
- A panygyri takes place in Melbourne. Souvlakia and loukoumades are sold and Anagenisi Band pumps out the latest and not-so-latest tracks. Manasis Dance Group is not invited.
JUNE – AUGUST
- Nothing happens because everyone is in Greece.
SEPTEMBER
- Recently returned from the motherland, the President of the Panimian Federation of Tootgarook posts a photograph with the Greek Minister for Bad Design. After receiving only four likes, the Vice-President convenes a non-compliant extraordinary general meeting, deposes him and assumes control of the Federation’s bank account and four investment properties.
- The new President is photographed fleeing the Trak Centre, having spent Federation funds on a prime table for himself and his koumbara to see octogenarian Greek crooner Giorgos Roubinis, when the koumbara’s two admirers fight over who has the larger infrastructure grant.
- A panygyri takes place in Melbourne. Souvlakia and loukoumades are sold and Anagenisi Band pumps out the latest and not-so-latest tracks. Manasis Dance Group is not invited.
OCTOBER
- Someone paints the façade of the embattled Brunswick church in rainbow colours. The proposal to close Staley Street is quietly abandoned.
- In Coburg, Council approves a tower reaching heavenward in front of Ypapanti Church. Following an IBAC investigation, union officials’ tongues are tied and construction halts. Father Leo is seen outside the church holding the Book of Genesis open, smiling: “I told you so.”
- Dean Kotsianis paints a wall in his Yitonia.
- A panygyri takes place in Melbourne. Souvlakia and loukoumades are sold and Anagenisi Band pumps out the latest and not-so-latest tracks.
NOVEMBER
- Meni Valle releases her latest cookbook, Pethera. The pages are blank, as no self-respecting pethera divulges her secrets.
- Jim Claven launches "Brisbanians Behaving Badly: The ANZACS on Imia" and secures funding for a documentary adaptation, directed by Dean Kalimniou and performed entirely through mime and shadow puppetry. It screens at Watergardens to a capacity audience of three and a half.
- Anthony Albanese calls a snap election after Adelaide multimillionaire Gerry Karidis offers to secure supply via a loan from a third-tier Pakistani lender. Albo agrees enthusiastically and wins comfortably.
- Dean Kotsianis paints another wall in someone else's Yitonia.
- A panygyri takes place in Melbourne. Souvlakia and loukoumades are sold and Anagenisi Band pumps out the latest and not-so-latest tracks.
DECEMBER
- Following her electoral defeat, Liberal leader Sussan Ley resigns and is replaced by George Kapiniaris, who immediately adopts “Tsiki Tsiki to Katsiki,” as sung by Delta Goodrem, as party anthem.
- George Kapiniaris resigns the next day after it is determined that his surname contains too many syllables for him to qualify for the leadership.
- Bill Papastergiadis enters negotiations with Santa Claus for a Strategic Framework Agreement on equitable multicultural present distribution. Talks collapse over chimney-access exemptions under heritage overlays.
- The Melbourne Greek Christmas Pageant is cancelled when three committees assert ownership of the baby Jesus figurine. An interim administrator is appointed and the figurine placed in protective custody at the Hellenic Museum.
- A prominent community leader posts a Christmas message calling for unity, reflection and renewal. The comments section erupts into a 312-reply argument over font selection.
- Dean Kotsianis is arrested after attempting to paint a Greek themed mural in the Great Wall of China.
- A panygyri takes place in Melbourne. Souvlakia and loukoumades are sold and Anagenisi Band pumps out the latest and not-so-latest tracks. Manasis Dance Group announces it has “chosen not to participate.”
- As the year ends, consensus emerges that 2027 will finally be the year things change. A committee is formed to investigate.
DEAN KALIMNIOU
kalymnios@hotmail.com
First published in NKEE on Saturday 3 January 2026